Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Dating......
Dad's rules for boyfriends:
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
Long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come off during the Course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,We should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holdinghands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce My daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other Than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the Sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a Clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged Face at the window is mine. But, before you even think of dating my daughter, you'll have to fill out the Application.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. Name:_____________________________________________________________
Date of Birth:__________________________________________________________
2. Height:_____________________________________________________________
Weight:_____________________________________________________________
I.Q.:_______________________________________________________________
GPA:_______________________________________________________________
3. Social Security Number:__________________________________________________
Drivers License Number:_________________________________________________
4. Boy Scout Rank:_______________________________________________________
5. Home Address:________________________________________________
City, State : ______________________________________Zip Code:______________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?_________________
IF NO, explain: ______ _____________________________________________________________________________
7. Number of years parents married:___________________________________________________
8. Do you own a VAN? _____________________________________________________________
A truck with oversized tires?_______________________________________________________
A waterbed?____________________________________________________________________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? _________________________________
A tattoo?_______________________________________________________________________
(IF YES TO ANY OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? __________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you? __________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? __________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend:_______________________________________________________________
How often do you attend?_________________________________________________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and minister or priest? ______________________________________________________________________________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (That means I won't tell anyone - ever - promise.)
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the ________________________________________________________________________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________________________
C. A woman's place is in the ___________________________________________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask about me is
___________________________________________________________________________
E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is
___________________________________________________________________________
(NOTE: If answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leave premises keeping head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be "IF" you grow up? ______________________________________________________________________________
I SWEAR ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED-HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
__________________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, Moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause injury.) If your application is rejected, two gentlemen wearing black suits, black shirts, white ties, and carrying violin cases will notify you. (You might want to watch your back.)
Posted by Jessica ::
10:03 PM ::
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---------------oOo---------------
You get me
wonderful
is what i percieved this life would be
pain and problem free.... but over time i found reality
and through it all i see
that You're the only one
who gets me!
i may be misunderstood 'cause i wouldn't ever fake it,
You're the only one who understands my pain
cause you get me
it doesn't matter what they do, what they think, what they say,
at the end of the day i'm okay anyway...
'cause LORD You get me
no more tears
it's a silent night You've broken down all fear
'cause You remain in all of me
You know me better than i know myself...
the key to my security, there is no one else
who gets me
i may be missunderstood 'cause i wouldn't ever fake it
You're the only one who understands my pain
'cause You get me
doesn't matter what they do, what they think, what they say,
at the end of the day i'm okay anyway...
'cause LORD You get me
i don't care what the world may say
i hear You calling my name
and i reach for You reach for You
there is nothing that i'd rather do than just worship You, LORD
i'm going to worship You....
worship You
(i'm okay i'm okay.... i'm okay, i'm okay... i'm okay, i'm okay.... i'm okay)
i may be missunderstood 'cause i wouldn't ever fake it
You're the only one who understands my pain
'cause You get me
doesn't matter what they do, what they think, what they say,
at the end of the day i'm ok anyway... 'cause LORD You get me
i may be misunderstood 'cause i wouldn't ever fake it
You're the only one who understands my pain
'cause You get me
doesn't matter what they do, what they think, what they say,
at the end of the day i'm ok anyway... 'cause LORD You get me
yeah i'm okay, yeah i'm okay
You understand me
so completely
now i am free
LORD You get me
Posted by Jessica ::
10:43 AM ::
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---------------oOo---------------
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
~Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
~Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
~Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
trait snapshot:
social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others
Posted by Jessica ::
2:55 AM ::
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---------------oOo---------------
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